Mary Sue Parody Parody
by Inconsequential
Summary: This began as a parody of... well, the title pretty much explains it. But now it appears to have morphed into a dumping-ground for all my Mary Sue parodies. Enjoy! *New Story Up, in Chapter 3*
1. The Tale of A WellMeaning Author

**Mary Sue Parody Parody  
for FotR  
**by Artemis  
  
**Prologue**:  
Artemis sat at her computer wondering who to make fun of next, and. Reading over her ff.net bio gave her an idea... she would write a parody of all those Mary Sue parody stories (labeled NOT a Mary Sue- plz r) out there, which somehow came out... even worse, in a twisted sort of way. She decided to write a Parody Parody, making fun of those badly-written (NOTE: She is ONLY making fun of the parodies which are badly-written, not the ones which are well-written. Her feeling is, those are fine as long as they are moderately realistic and/or funny. Why is she writing in third person? To avoid flames and nastiness done to her, of course. She likes to duck out on responsibility). Bear in mind that this is an original cautionary tale, and if you read to the end I will unmask the moral of the story! Try and keep your sense of humor throughout, and buckle your seat belts securely. We are in for a wild and parody-full adventure which may jar your sensibilities to no end!  
  
Meanwhile, at another computer, in the land of the People With Flaws When They Are Introduced But Who Somehow Manage to Be Perfect Under Pressure sat another girl, named Ariel. Of course, she hated her fanciful name, and her stupid pointyish ears. Not to mention her statuesque figure, long, gleaming black hair and piercing green eyes. She sighed, dejected. She was so darned mad at all those stupid Mary Sues all over her beloved ff.net, on which she wrote a million perfect canonical stories a day!   
  
Naturally, she had fallen in love with Legolas before ever seeing the movie, but knew she could never love him, because not only was he an Elf, he lived rather... far away. She wondered why she was always so lonely.  
  
It must be because I'm so hideous, she thought, tugging on a gleaming lock of her hair. Not to mention my personality is flawed in a few minor ways which never end up showing themselves in my actions.  
  
She sighed again, and suddenly she was in Middle Earth without warning, in the middle of an unlikely situation: an Orc battle in Moria.  
  
Wow how ever did I get in here, she wondered. Oh my goodness this is so VERY different from all those stupid Mary Sue stories I have read. Oh yes definitely.  
  
She was very scared at being in a battle situation, as she couldn't fight. Well, actually she could fight with a broadsword and fencing foil and was an expert archer, but for now she was too afraid. She cowered in the corner while Legolas heroically saved her, then came and looked at her suspiciously for half a second before deciding they were firm friends, and also thinking to himself that she looked like an Elf. Somehow this was a redeeming feature in his eyes. Gimli was unusually evil and rude, as was Boromir, even though he had no reason to be. Aragorn was very quiet, and surprisingly Legolas took charge of the expedition while Ariel fell in with the Hobbits, all of whom were at first skeptical of her for approximately five seconds, and then welcomed her as a friend, not to mention having obvious crushes on her.  
  
They journeyed out of Moria, where Ariel carefully let Gandalf fall and reassured the Hobbits with a slightly smug expression on her face. Aragorn gave her a slightly suspicious look before accepting her with a nod. Obviously she knew far more than they did about their quest. After all, she was a young maiden from an unknown place! She had to be more than she appeared. Also Legolas trusted her, so she must be all right. He restrained Boromir from having one of his violent out-of-character fits and lustfully attacking the maiden.  
  
Eventually they got to Lorien, where Ariel and Galadriel immediately bonded after ten milliseconds of initial suspicion. After a fun- and humor-filled (to Ariel, it was humored filled; Artemis doesn't especially enjoy smug, tasteless quips about Hobbits, sexual tendencies and rap music, herself) vacation in Lorien, trying to stay approximately with canon but somehow failing completely, they moved on, down the Anduin.  
  
For completely justified reason, Ariel shared a canoe with Legolas and had a poignant discussion on immortality with him. She warned them of the Orcs with the intention of staying approximately with canon (after all, she rationalized, they were warned anyway...) and they landed. Boromir performed his crazy scene with Frodo in a more evil fashion than usual, and Ariel had another discussion with Legolas about fighting techniques (despite the fact that she was a maiden... oh well, did she REALLY have to stay with that old stereotype Tolkien advocated? Nah.), learning to use a bow, coincidentally enough, just before the Uruk-hai attacked.  
  
Aragorn went off the check on Frodo, allowing Ariel one last poignant and joke-filled moment with Merry, Pippin, Sam and of course Legolas. Gimli was strategically absent as well as noticeably evil.  
  
The Uruk-hai attacked. Ariel defended herself, trying to be clumsy and non-Mary Sue-ish, but she got caught up in the heat of the moment and killed several Uruk-hai with well-aimed shots (by accident, of course-- though when Legolas praised her, he took her denial of skill as modesty. What a coincidence). She was eventually overwhelmed and ran and hid to tend her strategically-placed injury (yes, she knew it was Mary Sue-ish, but it was also realistic to be injured in battle, right? Besides, this was the last scene of her story and she wanted to get some more attention! She was the main character, after all).  
  
Aragorn inexplicably rushed through an out-of-character Boromir's death scene, and then she and Legolas bid each other farewell. She bound her own wounds, wincing and smiling bravely, until Legolas stepped in to help. They said their farewells, and she was inexplicably zapped back to her home. Luckily enough, her parents didn't question where she had been, and the story ended happily ever after, with Ariel secure in the knowledge that she had shown those stupid Mary Sue authors a thing or two.  
  
**The Moral:**  
The moral of the story is, just because a story is LABELED non-Mary Sue, and is devoid of overtly classic Mary Sue symptoms doesn't mean it really is non-Sue. These antiSues may even come out worse than the original, thinking of subtler and somehow far worse changes to canon than the original Sues. Another moral (my, is Artemis just chock-full of morals today, or what?) BAD WRITING IS BAD WRITING. It just is. It doesn't matter if you have your character fall in love with Gimli, if you don't give the characters any personality other than traits which revolve around you, it is bad writing. Tolkien made the main characters the MAIN characters for a reason. Self-inserts are okay, and it's better if you just admit that's what your character is, but just ONCE I would like to see someone write a story which did not revolve totally around their inserted character (I know it's fun and easy, and it's okay to write one or two, I'm just saying seeing one of these would make all the difference in the world to me). That would make quite a refreshing change. Some thought given to how the members of the Fellowship would _truly_ react to a stranger would be good too. And why is the inserted character never tempted by the ring? Beats me (oh, I feel comfortable talking in the first person now)! If I get positive reviews, I'll write a serious story ( yes, I can write those, you know- check out The Fall of Osgiliath, a totally angst-ridden tale of woe, if you don't believe me) about myself going into Middle Earth armed only with my frugal skills (art, skiing, horseback riding, writing, witty humor, inability to speak Westron and the ability to say I am a frog (Nân i gabor), among a few other things, in Sindarin, because I am pretty much a total Tolkien nerd.)  
  
So? What do you think? Remember that this is only a cautionary tale, and there are many, many good Sue parodies and non-Sue self-inserts out there! In closing, let me just say that good writing makes all the difference.  
  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything much, really. Especially nothing Tolkien, the absolute genius, ever wrote. I own my skill, which include the ability to argue with just about anyone and/or make them mad with parody.


	2. In Which I Turn Evil

**A Dwarf's Tale**  
by Banon Angrybeard  
  
It seems my valiant efforts have been in vain. The Sues are coming. We cannot hold them any longer. Sweet, mellow voices, voices in the deep. We cannot hold them off. They are coming.   
  
No, sorry, false alarm. Turns out that after one look at us Dwarves sitting around enjoying a good dinner, they turned and ran off, shrieking. Funny thing, that.  
  
One said something about meeting the Fellowship of the Ring in Moria.  
  
Odd, they did mention Gimli...  
  
He's been dead in Valinor for about two hundred years now.  
  
I can hear screaming from far off... it looks like the last of the Orcs got them. I know we shouldn't do it, but we like to keep them around. Useful when dealing with intruders.  
  
It's too bad, now that I think of it. The Mary Sues were a pretty goodlooking bunch, this time. And there aren't too many Dwarf ladies around, either. Ah, well. I'm sure more will be coming tomorrow.  
  
If the cave troll doesn't get them first.  
  
  
  
**Author's Note**: I know that was fairly random. I really just wanted a pretext to show you all this story, which, though it is unbelieveably enough NOT A PARODY, more eloquently satirizes the Mary Sues than I ever could. Pity the poor author who wrote this fic. The link hasn't been working, so search her name, which is **Thooawanta Sunleaf**. She has one story, and it is... well, you'll see.  
  
I mean no offense to the author of said fic, but it is just too hilarious to pass up. And while you're at it, try to give her some nice, constructive criticism.  
  
If you can do so without laughing.  
  
-Artemis


	3. The Search for a Romantic Prospect in Mi...

**Search for a Romantic Prospect: A Mary Sue's Tale**  
  
Author's Note: I wrote this quite a while ago after reading all those Mary Sue stories in which the protagonist just can't seem to make up her mind which Fellowship member she likes... humor me and read it, why don't you. Just a bit of silliness. Has a surprise ending, sort of, and a nice take-home lesson, which you'll just have to figure out for yourself. Now, the story, from the perspective of a single woman searching for romance in Tolkien's world.  
  
Day One:  
Have arrived in Rivendell. All is going as planned; was met by Lord Elrond, have magical powers, can understand Elvish and am in fact an Elf. Am prettier than ALL the Elf ladies around, even Arwen.  
Um... think Council is tomorrow, but cannot be sure.   
  
Day Two:  
Council is indeed today! Am honored guest. I have volunteered to go to Mordor and of course, Elrond was overjoyed because of my wonderful magical powers. I left with the Fellowship. Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir all clearly in love with me. Have decided on Legolas by process of elimination, as  
1) Aragorn already has Arwen, and am not all that eager to get too close to filthy woodsy Ranger in any case.  
2) Boromir very attractive, but his imminent death makes romance pretty impossible.  
Legolas clearly best, as is  
1) an Elf, and immortal  
2) a very good archer, and always looks clean  
3) very attractive, though maybe not as much as Boromir. Have not yet decided whether pointy ears are a plus or a minus... hmm. Also long hair a bit girlish.  
  
Day Three:  
Have told the men that we won't make make it up Caradhras. They seemed suspicious of me, but have reassured them that I am omniscient and therefore am certain of the information. Also told them not to go in Mines of Moria, but they won't listen. Heard something about pronouncing the d' in Caradhras.  
Hmm. Must work on Elvish if wish to be taken seriously.  
  
Day Eight:  
Went into the Mines. Very dark. Do not feel like writing much. Ick, stepped on a dead Dwarf, am going to go quietly throw up now. Urgh. Smelly in here. Also full of orcs and Balrog.   
  
Day Twelve:  
Well, Gandalf is dead. Not too keen on helping him, as feel I screwed up the timeline too much already. Also he was mean, condescending and slightly smelly. Disgusting old robes. On upside, Legolas and Frodo both very sad and need comforting. Boromir too... no. No, Legolas. Yes, he was a bit snappish, but still clearly the best romantic choice, definitely.  
  
Day Something:  
Not very easy to tell time in Lothlorien. Perhaps because of freakish Elf-lady with spooky voice. Must agree with Gimli's first impression; she is a witch, or something which rhymes with that but is not G-rated. Am starting to quite like Gimli... proper capitalist fellow, not girly treehugger Elf.  
No, no, Legolas is clearly best romantic choice, though when Fellowship bathed decided to spy on Boromir instead. Not that I saw anything, anyway, whole escapade just to keep up appearances as a romantically interested person. Actually, am not sure I'm very into romance, at the moment. Best prospects either short and ugly, doomed to die, or annoyingly superior, effeminate Elves.  
Drat.  
  
Day 45(or something like that, a bit confused about passage of time in Lothlorien):  
Well, we have set out. Again. Rowing down the river Anduin. Dratted boring, actually, though am sharing a boat with Boromir and Pippin. Pippin entertaining for a time, but very bad at rowing. My arms are killing me, and if I wasn't so tired I think I would knock him out with my oar just to get him to quit singing the Bath Song. Really annoying after fiftieth repetition, and am a bit uneasy about talking to Boromir.  
Afraid I might burst out and tell him not to die, or start sobbing or something. Really very sad, but must keep telling myself: Legolas is best romantic prospect, Legolas is--  
  
  
Oops, just dropped this journal in water. It's okay, just a little blurred. Actually, was Legolas' fault. Knocked me in back of the head with the oar, perhaps because while I was neglecting to row the boat began going over a waterfall. Still, honestly, no way to treat a lady. Am not quite sure he really is the best romantic prospect, but the competition is too stiff for Aragorn, Boromir will be dead soon, and Gimli not at all attractive. Also very old. Perhaps Hobbits? Eeechhh. No, think not, that's pretty disgusting. Though Pippin is pretty cute, and he IS going to get that Ent-draught. If I get him to drink extra, maybe he'll end up my height and it won't be so wrong.   
  
No, Pippin is definitely far too immature. For one thing, has starting singing again. That's it, am smacking him on head with oar.  
  
Very pleased with how scheme turned out. Pippin was knocked out of boat when I hit him with the oar, and Boromir jumped in to save him. Unfortunately was wearing shield at the time, so sank as well, and then in jumped Aragorn and Legolas. The view from here is quite nice now, lots of dripping-wet men all around, but Pippin just told them what happened and now they're glaring at me.   
  
Ick. They just grabbed me and dumped me in the water, not very pleasant. I thought they were supposed to be gentlemen, here. Well, how was I to know Pippin couldn't swim? I thought that was Merry... must've gotten mixed up.  
  
Day 46:  
Well, have saved Boromir from getting shot. On downside, he has no stolen the Ring from Frodo and become evil.  
I should've gone with Legolas, but too late now. They're all dead, and Boromir has taken over Middle Earth in reign of terror.  
But I don't regret my decision; he looks gorgeous in those evil black robes.  
  
  
**  
  
  
Disclaimer:** Nothing Tolkien wrote belongs to me. The Mary Sue stories this parody resembles (thankfully) do not belong to me. Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir do not belong to me, though Bilbo is living next door. But he doesn't belong to me either. Oh darn, I'm becoming increasingly melancholy thinking of all the many things I don't own. I really have to stop writing fanfiction.  
  
P.S. Don't think it's witty to say yes, you do really have to stop writing fanfiction in your flames of this story. It's not, and also shows you probably didn't get that this was a parody. To clear things up for the humor-impaired, the above was, indeed a parody. Thank you.


End file.
